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| Remember my query about how much grief should we feel over our sin? I think I found something of an answer in John Piper's book, Battling Unbelief. Read on...
"....the shame ought to be there, but it ought not to stay there. If it does, it's owing to a lack of faith in the promises of God. For example, a woman comes to Jesus in a Pharisee's house weeping and washing his feet. ....Indeed, she was a sinner. There was a place for true shame. But not for too long. Jesus said, 'Your sins are forgiven" (Luke 7:48) And when the guests murmured about this, he helped her faith again by saying, "Your faith has saved you; go in peace.' (Luke 7:50)
How did Jesus help her battling the crippling effects of shame? He gave her a promise: 'Your sins are forgiven! Your faith has saved you. Your future will be one of peace!' He declared the past pardon would now yield future peace. So the issue for her was faith in this future grace rooted in the authority of Jesus' forgiving work and freeing word. Would she believe the glowering condemnation of the guests? Or would she believe the reassuring words of Jesus that her shame was over - that she is now and in the future forgiven, that she may go in peace and wholeness and freedom? Whom will she trust? With whose promise will she satisfy her soul?
That is the way every one of us must battle the effects of a well-placed shame that threatens to linger too long and cripple us. We must battle unbelief by taking hold of the promises of future grace and peace that come through the forgiveness of our shameful acts. 'With you there is forgiveness, that you may be feared' (Psalm 130:4). 'Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon' (Isaiah 55:6-7). 'If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness' (1 John 1:9). 'Everyone who believes in him receives forgiveness of sins through his name' (Acts 10:43).
It doesn't matter whether the act of God's forgiveness is entirely past, or if there is new forgiveness in the future - in both cases the issue of the liberating power of God's forgiveness for our future - freedom from shame. Forgiveness is full of future grace. When we live by faith in future grace, we are freed from the lingering, paralyzing effects of shame."
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| ... but sometimes it just doesn't feel like it.
I'm going to have surgery in January. I don't want to, but I need to. There are a number of issues that really need to be fixed... and I'm realizing more and more that my body is taking over my mind and that has to have an end put to it.
I used to have about one day a month when the dark clouds would descend and life didn't seem to be worth living. I finally figured it out when I was in my 40's - my husband figured it out a long time before that but neglected to tell me (probably in fear for his life). Once I figured it out, it was something I could live with - just stay quiet, don't make any major decisions, and stay away from social gatherings for 24 hours. Not too bad.
But lately it's been growing. 2-3 days in a row, a couple of times a month... and it's getting to the point where I can't exactly differentiate between bad things and bad hormones. And I don't sleep. Yuck. I have to tell you, being a woman is not for the faint-hearted.
I appreciate it, because it does make me lean on Jesus more. I appreciate it, because it better helps me understand those of you who struggle with depression. I appreciate it, because God knows I need it and has a purpose in it.
But it doesn't make it easier to keep dragging my bones out of bed every day to school my little ones, or to clean house, or to make dinners, or to go to the store, or to go to Godspell practice and be upbeat and cheerful and supportive and not take things personally and remember to be uplifting and encouraging to those around me who need it. Or to try to be a good daughter to my mom. I tend to kinda fail at all of these - and then I tend to kinda beat myself up and then feel worse and..... you know how that goes.
All of that to say, please pray for me over the next couple of months. I think, once I have my surgery (which I'm still dreading oh so much), things will improve. I don't know that for sure - but I hope so. But right now is the stressful time, and I need God's grace to make it through it smiling and being a light.
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| 4 years ago last week, after a 35-year struggle with alcohol and drugs, my brother killed himself. And I just came across an email I wrote to a friend about it, and the tears came again.
In memory of him, here it is for any of you who would like to know just a little bit more about my brother.
Clear Day
It's an odd thing - there are no right words to say. In a normal death, you say, "It'll be all right...." or "He's better off...." or something like that. But in this instance, there just doesn't seem to be anything right to say. And that's where faith comes in. Faith that God knows more than I do - that God will use all things to work together for good.... and accept that His plan is better than mine. Because in my plan, this was not the way it was supposed to end. The struggles I have now - more, I'm sure will come, but for now, this is what I struggle with - is guilt that I didn't try harder. Perhaps I couldn't have done a thing about it - perhaps it would have ended the same way.... I'll never know. But I can't spend any time beating myself up about it - I can only learn from this not to take people for granted - not to assume that things are okay - not to waste time - to keep short accounts. It's a foolish thing to just assume that all is well. And I struggle with sadness thinking of him alone in a motel room - so sad, so despairing, so hopeless.... and alone. My brother who used to play beautifully, who used to make me laugh, who was my idol when I was young. My big brother, who taught to me to play guitar, who taught me to drive, who taught me to love literature - Tolkien - drama - music.... who made me part of who I am today. Who made me laugh, who taught me the sense of humor I have, who told terrible puns. My only brother - my only sibling. I wish I had been there for him. It makes me want to grab hold of people so tight.... and yet I know that it's not me. I cannot hold onto them. I cannot keep them from despair. I cannot bring them to the Lord to find their hope. Only Christ can. Why is a dumb question. I don't even want to ask it. It doesn't have a satisfactory answer. I guess I won't get over this right away - or maybe not even soon. I keep thinking of him - when he was young and I thought he was happy. Breaking his arm - twice. Being the Tin Man in the Wizard of Oz - with a cast on his arm spray painted silver. Talking about his teachers and his friends.... Playing instruments. Going for walks with me - one time for miles and we petted cows. Falling in love with all of his friends.... Him asking my mom, when she went to the hospital to have me, to either bring home a baby sister or a fire truck. Making up silly songs.... Just seeing him walk..... And there are sad things, too. Like the way he and my dad never got along when he was a teenager - it was awful. Or when he called me to ask if he could come down here and stay with us for awhile to recuperate from his alcoholism. And it didn't work out. So it's hard.
The odd thing is that it's still hard. I still miss him a lot - even though we didn't see that much of him. But before he died he had started making the effort to come down and visit. And I think after my dad died he might have done it even more. He was pleasantly surprised that my kids weren't annoying - and he wanted to play music with them. I feel like there could have been a lot more years of adoring my brother.... a lot more that I could have learned from him.... a lot more.
But God had different plans - and He has given me the grace to know that He weeps with me when I miss my big brother - when I wish I could be a little sister again - when I wish I could see him again, hug him again - just see him happy. Even as I cry, even as my heart hurts again.... I know that God holds onto me and weeps with me.
I know I should be over it all by now - it's been 4 years. And I'm okay. I just miss him. And I'm reminded by rereading that email that it's so easy to let time fly by and miss all the moments we could have together - all the treasured memories we could store up. We get so busy....
My brother left a handprint on my heart. And it's tremendously painful - but I would never trade having known him even though there was so much pain.
God help me to stop and think and love. God help me to never let a day go by without telling people that I love them - that I appreciate them - and why. God help me to not take the lives of those I love for granted. God help me to let them know how much they mean to me.
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| ... that my parents never had. I have a house full of children. I walk through the house and hear different music coming from different rooms, the sound of laughter (or fighting, occasionally.... ), and various other activities. I have different ages and different interests and different activities and different needs to be met. I have children I can snuggle with and read stories to; I have children who challenge my brain power - who are harder to encourage or help; I have children who meet many different needs in my heart.
My family and my home make me smile. In short, I am truly blessed.
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| I came across this quote years ago, and was struck by the truth of it: Clear Day
"There are so many stars in the sky, but only some are radiant enough to be noticed. Among those you choose to ignore is the one which was willing to shine for you forever, even if your glance remained elsewhere."
Isn't it true? Don't we tend to chase after those who excite us, seem greater than, catch our breath, make us want more..... And don't we tend to forget the faithful ones who are no longer new and exciting and fresh and enticing? The ones who would cheerfully stand beside us forever, and who love us with everything in them.....
Isn't it sad?
Here's a challenge. Stop, for a moment, in your pursuit of that really amazing new friend, and look at the old, faithful ones. Think about how wonderful they are. And then, even if you still feel that you need that amazing new friend, hopefully you'll never again forget to appreciate the precious ones you already have.
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